I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
