I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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