the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
