I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
