he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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