did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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