when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
