I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
