Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
