I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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