does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
