Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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