she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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