is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
