I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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