Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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