i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
