Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
