I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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