I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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