I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
