Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
