There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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