when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
