Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
