i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
