I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
