Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
