Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
