Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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