I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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