An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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