my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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