I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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