my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
