i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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