So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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