so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
