i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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