I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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