just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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