I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
