Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
