thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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