i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
