i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
