cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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