If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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