I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
