this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
