the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
not ubering you a puppy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
