I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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