There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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