It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
how does that bad decision feel?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
