It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
