In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
