Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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