break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
