In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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