I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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