I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
